This piece was originally written for
oletoday.com. It has been reposted with permission.
While the future may be uncertain - at any moment the bombs could drop, your brain could be eaten, the atmosphere could be vaporized, the robots could take control of congress, nanoviruses could enter your bloodstream, you may find yourself deported to an asteroid mining colony, etc. - we'll still hang on to some staples of contemporary society. We may just use them for very different purposes. Here are some of the highlights:
#1: Microwaveable Burritos
What we use them for now: A delicious and easy to prepare snack or meal, densely packed with enough cholesterol and sodium to induce instant heart-attack and bleeding from the eyes.
What we will use them for in the future: Thermal and radiation insulation.
It's a known fact that the center of your standard microwaveable burrito is impervious to changes in temperature. While the rest of the burrito's filling is scalding your tongue and destroying your sense of taste for weeks to come, the center remains frozen. In the future, when we (or the robots) have destroyed our atmosphere and solar flares routinely raise surface temperatures to over 200 degrees, we'll need to come up with an extremely heat-resistant material for insulation. There is really no better solution than microwaveable burritos. Unlike heat resistant polymers or alloys, they can be cheaply and easily made and are non-toxic, as long as you don't actually eat them.
An infrared image of burritos fresh out of the microwave
Their density also provides another benefit of using them for insulation, and that is protection from radiation. Since the core doesn't seem to heat up at all when exposed to microwaves, we can conclude that it is impenetrable to most forms of radiation. This will come in handy when we have no ozone and the streets are littered with nuclear fallout.
#2: Reality TV
What we use it for now: Entertainment at the expense of others
What we will use it for in the future: Blowing a robot's cover
I don't mean to cause despair, when we are fighting the robots, they will be smarter than us. They will also be much more rational, meaning they will avoid impulse purchases and be incapable of falling in love. But we can use this to our advantage to determine if one of them has infiltrated our ranks. If we suspect someone of being a cyborg or robot in disguise, we'll simply force them to watch some reality TV. If they're sucked in and mesmerized by the shallow interpersonal conflicts, judges who intentionally go out of their way to be assholes, and shameless plug for sponsors, then they are legit humans. If they seem unable to get into it, don't relate to any of the characters, or begin to criticize it for lack of content, then activate the EMP!
#3: Video Games
What we use them for now: Killing time, an excuse to limit social interaction
What we will use them for in the future: Combat Training
Right now, playing video games is probably the worst thing you could do to prepare for a war, at least physically. But in order to avoid using robots or a genetically engineered trans-human race to fight our wars, which will prove more trouble than it's worth, we can use video games to create a generation of ruthless soldiers. When you are playing video games, you are killing without the reality of killing. It teaches you that killing is something with no repercussions, because you are killing something that was never alive, and don't have to deal with physical realities of it, like blood, or the emotional realities of remorse. If you let it influence you too much, you become able to kill without thinking. We will start kids playing first-person shooters around the age of five, and by the time they turn twelve (which will be the new eighteen, thanks to biotechnology and increasing levels of hormones in meant and milk) they will have no idea of what it means to kill - or be killed. Combine that with intense physical training, some genetically engineered growth hormones, and some good old-fashioned (but still futuristic) eugenics, and you've got yourselves the ruthless soldiers of tomorrow.
It has also been noted that playing Tetris within six hours of a traumatic experience can reduce the risk of future long-term traumatic stress. If we figure out how to utilize this properly, shell-shock will become a thing of the past.
#4: Nike
What it is now: A Corporation that pumps out an endless supply of overpriced shoes and athletic apparel, which will not rest until every man, woman, and child bears at least two swooshes on their person at all times.
What it will be in the future: An organization running a genetic splicing program to create genetically superior, "Nike" branded individuals.
Since its inception in 1964, Nike has been at the forefront of athletic innovation, designing products that will (supposedly) make you faster, stronger, tougher, fitter, and more appealing to the opposite sex. The next step is to go beyond simply improving what athletes wear, and improve what athletes
are.
Using recombinant DNA technology, Nike scientists will create test-tube fetuses with enhanced physical traits in their secret lab, located fifteen stories beneath the University of Oregon. In the peak of their physical form, they will be able to run three-minute miles, make 80 inch vertical leaps, bench twenty times their body weight, consistently drain shots from half-court, and be physically incapable of exceeding 5% body fat. They will be born with a swoosh on the forehead. They will dress in only Nike shoes and athletic ware, causing people to believe that if they use Nike products, they too can be superhuman. But they can't. Life won't be fair in the future.
Still, it won't be all disappointment for John Q. Future. Since Nike is an American corporation, these superathletes will be Americans. This means that we will finally be able to cement our position atop the sporting world. We'll finally be good at soccer, and maybe win ourselves a world cup. We can break the Kenyan hold on the longer distances, break the Jamaican hold on the sprints, and impale foreign spectators with javelins. Even in sports where we are already dominant will see a boost. We won't have to worry about Japanese or Dominicans invading major league baseball, or Eastern Europeans with impossible to pronounce names invading the NBA. And team handball? We will destroy everybody in team handball!
Unfortunately for the armies of tomorrow, they will be so physically active and live such sports-oriented lifestyles that they will be incapable of playing video games. This means that we will not be able to train to be ruthless killing machines (see #3).
#5: Perfume
What we use it for now: Hiding the fact that you don't smell very good
What we will use it for in the future: Concealing your presence from zombies
Because of the neural degradation that comes from, well, having one's brain eaten, zombies will be missing most of the higher regions of their brains. What will be left will be the basic, reptilian brain. As a result, most of their senses will suffer, but their sense of smell will improve by several orders of magnitude. To find clusters of human survivors who were forward-thinking enough to carry shotguns on their persons at all times, zombies will rely on their sense of smell. And the only way to convince them that there are no humans to be found is to not smell like a human.
Granted, you could achieve the same effect by dousing yourself in gasoline or bear urine, but at a certain point those options would make getting your brain consumed seem like a better alternative. By coating yourself with perfume, you'll be able to avoid zombies detecting you from far away. You'll be able to sneak up on them, instead of letting them sneak up on you. And if any of you are worried about your masculinity, don't be. Surviving a zombie apocalypse garners you way more man points than you would lose by wearing perfume.
