Drink like a Scientist

Drinking cultures are based on two principles: that the end goal is to get drunk, and that this first principle is to be concealed as much as possible through ritual and arbitrary rules.  There are certain drinks for certain occasions; there are classy drinks, trashy drinks, chick drinks, man’s drinks, gay drinks, celebratory drinks, drinks you have with dinner, drinks you have at a bar, fat drinks, skinny drinks, drinks that climb on rocks, etc.  There are even games designed to facilitate getting drunk without having to actually talk to anyone.  The only real difference in these drinks is alcohol content, and they are all really designed to get you to the same state of nirvana: being drunk.  

Left: A flask for normal people

Right: A flask for scientists!

Here is my proposal for an experiment.  We find a country where the game of beer pong is completely unknown, probably somewhere in Africa, the Middle East, or East Asia.  The best place would probably be somewhere in rural Sudan, seeing as there are bound to be very isolated areas, and alcohol is not exactly halal.

In this experiment, you take four college-age males from the region in question and teach them to play beer pong.  But, alcohol is not used, nor is it even mentioned.  You show them how to play the game, sans the beer.  I can guarantee they would play one, maybe two games, and then be done with it.  And you can be pretty sure that the next weekend, when they're looking for something to do, they won't say "hey, let's play that game that those Americans showed us where you throw the ball into those empty cups."

Because when you take alcohol out of the equation, beer pong is pretty damn boring.  You're essentially giving yourself a reason to consume room temperature Natty Light and feel good about yourself while doing it.  People talk about it as though it were a sport, with the great comebacks they made or their astounding records.  But the fact is that the only reason it has any value is because it's getting you drunk.