Let's Be History

The last known survivor of World War I died today.  His name was Frank W. Buckles, and he was 110.  The dude was born in a home without electricity and lived to have his own facebook page.  Perhaps this is not all that remarkable, because someone of my generation will pull off a similar feat.  They may say of the oldest surviving veteran of the War on Terror that he was born in a home without robot butlers and lived to have his consciousness uploaded into a massive orbital database.  But as far as we're concerned right now, that's impressive.

The ancient Greeks, pre-Herodotus believed that history was accurate until it was two generations removed from those who experienced it.  In other words, if I were to tell someone, on my deathbed, about Obama's election, and he, in turn, were to tell my account to someone else on his deathbed, that recipient's generation would be the last to have an accurate account of the story, before Obama turned into the son of Zeus and some unlucky rape victim, and won the presidency after slaying the minotaur.  Granted, this was back before they bothered to write things down, because no one could read and barbarians were constantly invading and using histories as toilet paper.

World War I was the destruction of an old world order, and lead to the formation of a new one, which, once again, has become obsolete.  With Buckle's death also comes the realization that World War I was not the start of the modern age.  The world has now gone from being bipolar - with the world aligned along the lines of the USA and the USSR - to being schizophrenic, with dozens of other nations becoming more economically powerful and getting better at basketball.  (Seriously, Lithuania?)  World War I has now faded into the background of history, something that none of us have experienced and something that can only be read about, never fully understood as it once was.

So, to everyone who reads this, I have a challenge for you.  Participate, somehow, in something that you think will be defining of our era.  That doesn't mean go out and enlist, or, conversely, strap on a vest of plastic explosives and run into a mosque pertaining to the other sect during Friday prayers.  (In fact, please don't do the second one.)  Go live in a tree in the rain forest before they're all wiped out, or fight some Japanese whalers.  Bring democracy to your military dictatorship nation.  Attend a gay wedding.  Get your life ruined by a social gaffe on facebook.  Or just, I don't know, catch Bieber Fever if you can't come up with anything cool to do.  You don't have to do it now, but when you do, make sure it pushes your comfort zone, and you walk away with a good story to tell.  And tell it to everyone who will listen.

I was going to post about something else (probably how sports are important) but then I read about Mr. Buckle's death, and I forgot what I was going to write about and wrote this instead.  Because I think it's important.  We're all going to be part of history someday.  It's said of Herodotus that, "if it isn't true, it ought to be," and I want to live in an era where what is true and what ought to be true are one in the same.

My Confused Inner Caveman

I know that it's not actually based on science, but I sometimes think that my caveman body, that is, my primitive, pre-civilization body has a mind of its own and is trying to interpret the world in which it lives, and explain it in terms that it knows.  And I imagine it must be very confused, because it has to deal with all sorts of unnatural things, like routinely traveling at 60+ miles an hour, high fructose corn syrup, and whatever the hell they put in NyQuil.

I tend to make one meal with a lot of leftovers, and subsist off it for at least two days.  This makes sense to my inner caveman, because he expects that the only thing in the fridge is what he killed a few days ago.  But more often than not, it's probably more confusing, because he's thinking "what, I run all day and all I catch is spaghetti?  Where's the mastodon?"

That's probably also why I always need to be munching on something when I'm sitting down.  He's saying "hey man, what are we doing just sitting here, we could be foraging for berries or something."  Half of that translates to action; I munch on a bag of chips or something and keep sitting there, and as long as he's getting fed he's happy, because for all he knows, it's still the ice age and the next meal could be a long ways away.

When I go to Costco to stalk up on non-mastodon foodstuffs, I'm able to get almost a full meal out of free samples.  This makes sense to him, because it's like foraging.  A bunch of small amounts of random foodstuffs are coming his way, but he has to wait for it, and seek it out.

He's probably wondering why I haven't had my head smashed in at least once by a heavy blunt object, and why my feet never really seem to hit the ground, almost as if something is strapped onto my feet.  He wonders what this kind of cave it is I live in - it seems too bright and never the temperature that would be expected.  When I watch TV, he wonders why this strange kind of fire entertains me so much.  Why so many hot liquids going down your throat? he thinks, why so many chemicals in the air you breathe?  And when I eat a banana, he thinks "I didn't come all the way down from the trees just to eat like a damn monkey!"  (This also happens when I eat insects from off my friends' backs.)

And I'm sure that for most people, their inner caveman is even more confused.  They're sedentary, for the most part, and they stay up all night and are half-asleep while the sun is up.  And their biggest adrenaline rushes seem to come when they're sitting down, seemingly doing nothing fight or flight-y at all.  We've lost touch with part of what we are.  We've gained a lot, but I can't help wonder if it all just serves to make our bodies confused.

In reality, there is no thought behind any of our biological processes.  But it's amusing enough to think otherwise, if only to realize how different we have become, and how far we are removed, from what we as humanity did not so long ago.

One From Dan Quayle - "Spaceship Earth"

Since some of you have expressed powerful feelings of rage, loss, injustice and emptiness after A Tribute to Dan Quayle was taken down, and because I am constantly trying to work the most favorable ratio of content to effort, I will be reposting some of its brighter moments, complete with new epigraphs and maybe even some meta-commentary.  Here's a post about (the now deceased) Spaceship Earth, circa May 2009.

"It's so cold and lonely out here in outer space

At least I've got my keyboard and my low bot has its bass"

-Pepper, Stormtrooper

My car is a spaceship. It has disguised itself as a sedan from the early nineties to hide from bounty hunters. The windows are tinted to the point where they are probably not safe, and probably not entirely legal either. I bought it from a guy on Monument whom I found through Craig's List. He was moving back to India. I have named it Spaceship Earth because it is green, and after the quote by Dr. Emmanuel Bronner, which states "...for on God's Spaceship Earth, with bomb and gun, we're All One or none. All One! Exceptions eternally? Absolutely none!" It's a wonder that anyone still talks to me.

There is a shipboard AI, which is the after-market stereo system that was installed in the car. There is a life support system (AC), data readouts (the little button that I press to get the outside temperature), and a cargo hold (the trunk). The driver's seat is the bridge. The passenger seat is the navigator's seat, who sometimes has to assume the role of the gunner. The driver side back seat is the barracks, and the passenger side back seat is the brig, becasue the passenger side back door only opens from the outside. The middle seat in the back is just the bitch seat, because some things are the same in both spaceships and cars.

When the sun roof is open, it becomes the gunnery. When at least one window is rolled down all the way, Spaceship Earth is in atmospheric mode. When the windows are up, it is in interstellar mode. When in atmospheric mode, I can do research by sticking my hand out the window. When in neutral, I am cruising in stealth mode, as my engine is idling, and therefore, I emit fewer heat signatures.

Aboard Spaceship Earth, there are two protocols that are constantly in effect, and several others that are initiated as needed. The conditional protocols are the internal de-moisturizing protocols (primary, secondary, and tertiary), external demoisturizing protocols (primary and secondary, the first of which involves deploying the moisture shields), energy conservation protocol (when decelerating with the intent of stopping, I pop it into stealth mode), and the life support moderation protocol, which means that I cannot use the life support system if the outside temperature is within ten degrees of the desired temperature and atmospheric mode is a feasable option.

The two protocols that are constantly in effect are the primary introduction protocol and the stack protocol. The primary introduction protocol states that whenever it is a passenger's first time in Spaceship Earth, they must be given a complete briefing on the features of Spaceship Earth, regardless of circumstances. The stack protocol states that whichever CD is currently in the shipboard AI, if it has a case, must have its case at the top of the stack of CDs in the storage space directly below the shipboard AI. There are no exceptions to either of these protocols.

But Spaceship Earth is not just a collection of absurdities to represent the world that goes on in my head and takes over when my conciousness can't take anymore of real reality. Spaceship Earth is my room, my bubble, my place in space. It is where I can think about things, it is where I can talk about things, it is where I can reason, where I can work out the big and small issues, some of which matter and some of which don't. Spaceship Earth has a mind, it can think and respond and understand. And together we have this kind of synergy, the perfect marriage of artificial and organic intelligence. Whatever it is, the ship knows me, and I know the ship. But we fly though space with nothing to defend, we are drifting and never quite in orbit, not to mention taht there are no satelites around us. Ship doesn't mind, but it makes me a little melancholy. But only a little.

Sometimes in the deep voids of interstellar space, I'll walk the dark corridors and think "something is missing."  Especially in the service ducts for the computor systems in the bridge. Maybe I'm too crazy to fix them, or not crazy enough; it may be that it'll take someone crazier than I to repair all the systems. Or maybe just someone competent.

Either way, we make a damn good team as it is, and thanks to the well established system of protocols, especially the stack protocol, everything runs smoothly.

The sad thing is that now, as I am really getting an understanding of this thinking space I have discovered, it will probably not be joining me next year, as I will probably not need a car where I am going. But I am not going to sell it, because I will need a car again eventually, and I probably wouldn't get enough to justify the trouble of selling it. That's ok. I'm going to drive this thing until it falls apart on the interstate. (Strangely enough, this is exactly what ended up happening.) Because dammit, for once, it's a space that I have made my own, and I can finally do some good thinking in there.

So be warned, if you ask me for a ride, you may be in for a long speech about all the features and the importance of having three different de-moisturizing protocols. But don't let that deter you, because it is a place where everything in your brain will allign itself properly, all the cells have the optimum osmotic pressure, all the molecules are vibrating at the same frequency, and everything makes sense. Trust me.

Super Bull Prediction

Pre-game: Reporters ask various players "what's going through your head right now?"  All of them will respond with "I'm just gonna go out there and play a good game of football."  Do they expect any other kind of answer.  I mean, most of these guys barely made it through high school.

1st Quarter

15:00 - Steelers win the coin toss.  Typical asshole Steeler fans will act as though this is what their team is entitled to, as it has been willed by both God and the Founding Fathers.

14:52 - Packers take to the field with tomahawks, wounding a forgettable member of the Steelers special teams.  Cut to first commercial break.  Commercial involving talking squirrels who understand the nuances of managing a stock portfolio.

12:38 - Steelers finish their first drive with a touchdown, but there is some controversy.  From the camera angle in one of the replays, it appears that members of the Steelers offensive line were operating a tank on the field.  Cut to commercial featuring pop star drinking Pepsi.

10:15 - Greg Jennings steps on a land mine planted on the Packer's 30 yard line.  His left leg is destroyed below the knee.  Cut to commercial featuring lobsters using a Xerox machine.

7:30 - Packers get on the board, using a trick play that involves crashing a blimp into the field.  Cut to fear mongering commercial that makes you terrified for your family's financial future, and realize that the best option is to get AIDS asap.

4:15 - Ben Roethlisberger rapes a woman during a timeout.  (Too soon, too soon...)

2:13 - Packers get into field goal range, in part with the help of Greg Jennings' partially-intact tibia bone, which they are using as a bludgeon.  Cut to commercial for godaddy.com featuring Ben Rothlisberger raping a godaddy.com girl.  (Ok, that was really too soon.  At least I'm not making overplayed Michael Vick jokes.)

0:15 - An IED that has been planted inside the game ball explodes.  Hamas claims responsibility.

2nd Quarter

15:00 - Steelers take to the field equipped with riot control gear.  Packers respond by dawning keffiyehs and throwing rocks at them in front of cameras.

13:10 - After a few tense minutes and a whole lot of teargas, the Steelers open fire.

12:30 - Aaron Rodgers calls in an air strike.

10:15 - Once the Steelers are able to regroup and get their communications satellite back online, they regroup on their own 40 yard line.  Roethlisberger orders a tactical nuke strike.  Cut to commercial using racial stereotypes to illustrate a cell phone company's extensive coverage.

8:58 - Packers use microwave satellites to focus beams of energy that cause Steelers players' brains to melt and ooze out of their ears.  Cut to commercial featuring bears mauling fast food employees.

7:00 - Clones of the Steelers special teams take the field to return a punt.  This tactic, used to minimize potential injuries, is ruled perfectly legal by the referee.

4:23 - Aaron Rodgers rides an elephant onto the field.

2:13 - Steelers score another touchdown by having Hines Ward jump into a black hawk helicopter which then lands in the end zone.  Cut to commercial featuring dinosaurs buying auto insurance.

2:06 - Packers defense is equipped with RPGs to prevent another touchdown like that last one.

1:15 - Camera cuts to man wearing cheese on his head for the 5,725th time.

0:47 - Steelers get dirty and break out the mustard gas

Halftime

The Black Eyed Peas fail to appear on stage.  Upon further investigation, it is revealed that they have been eaten by Troy Polamalu.

3rd Quarter

15:00 - Greg Jennings takes to the field again, with a new leg grown by the resident mad scientist on the Packers' sports medicine team.

14:30 - Ben Rothlisberger reveals his true form - BEN ROBOTBERGER: A giant angry robot who shoots lasers out of his mouth.

11:15 - Troy Polamalu poops out the Black Eyed Peas.  On the field.

10:55 - "My Humps" heard emanating from Troy Palamalu's Black Eyed Peas poop.

9:23 - Packers develop high-density neutrino cannons, and they are not a moment too soon, because at...

9:06 - Steelers release nano-drones onto the field.  Cut to commercial featuring John Madden birthing Siamese twins from a Raiderette with tentacles for hands

4:15 - Packers find a way to put the stadium under null gravity.  Ender Wiggin reminds the Steelers that the enemy end zone is down.

2:12 - Zombie JFK intercepts a pass intended for Greg Jennings, before Castro blows of his head with a sawed off shotgun.  Cut to commercial featuring talking baby birthing John Madden from a diversified stock portfolio

0:15 - Packers get another field goal, which is really easy to do in zero gravity.

4th Quarter

15:00 - Puke from 60,000 spectators feeling the effects of zero gravity is flying all over the stadium.

13:12 - Packers nuke the Steelers while they are in huddle.

12:50 - Ben ROBOTberger may have been destoryed, but Ben Cockroachberger can survive any nuclear holocaust!

10:09 - With puke everywhere, no gravity, and every player bleeding from their eyeballs and from under their fingernails due to radiation poisoning, the game will become a disorganized mess.  Cut to commercial featuring a can of Pepsi drinking a pop singer drinking the blood of the first born John Madden

6:66 - Satan comes on the field, steals Mike Tomlin's wallet.

5:12 - After a plague of space leprosy (from the future!) sweeps through the field, cut to commercial featuring talking babies drinking Bud Lite after successfully diversifying stock portfolio by investing in Pepsi, life insurance, and X-Treme Mouth Rape Spicy Doritos.

4:48 - Michael Moore announces that he will be making a documentary about this game, and how it could have been done much better in Europe.

3:18 - To hold off a Steelers drive, Packers re-locate their end zone to a small comet in elliptical orbit around the sun.  Cut to commercial break featuring talking babies with erectile dysfunction getting a tip from a caveman John Madden to use Viagra.

2:04 - Commercial featuring talking babies with massive, 4 hour long erections sodomizing talking lobsters making photocopies of pop singer drinking Pepsi-flavored Bud Lite.  Strangely enough, this is actually a commercial for godaddy.com, and you need to go there to find out what happens next.  (Hint: it involves tentacles... lots of them!)

0:00 The game ends and America goes back to whatever it is America does.

And that is what will happen tomorrow.