1st Quarter
15:00 - Steelers win the coin toss. Typical asshole Steeler fans will act as though this is what their team is entitled to, as it has been willed by both God and the Founding Fathers.
14:52 - Packers take to the field with tomahawks, wounding a forgettable member of the Steelers special teams. Cut to first commercial break. Commercial involving talking squirrels who understand the nuances of managing a stock portfolio.
12:38 - Steelers finish their first drive with a touchdown, but there is some controversy. From the camera angle in one of the replays, it appears that members of the Steelers offensive line were operating a tank on the field. Cut to commercial featuring pop star drinking Pepsi.
10:15 - Greg Jennings steps on a land mine planted on the Packer's 30 yard line. His left leg is destroyed below the knee. Cut to commercial featuring lobsters using a Xerox machine.
7:30 - Packers get on the board, using a trick play that involves crashing a blimp into the field. Cut to fear mongering commercial that makes you terrified for your family's financial future, and realize that the best option is to get AIDS asap.
4:15 - Ben Roethlisberger rapes a woman during a timeout. (Too soon, too soon...)
2:13 - Packers get into field goal range, in part with the help of Greg Jennings' partially-intact tibia bone, which they are using as a bludgeon. Cut to commercial for godaddy.com featuring Ben Rothlisberger raping a godaddy.com girl. (Ok, that was really too soon. At least I'm not making overplayed Michael Vick jokes.)
0:15 - An IED that has been planted inside the game ball explodes. Hamas claims responsibility.
2nd Quarter
15:00 - Steelers take to the field equipped with riot control gear. Packers respond by dawning keffiyehs and throwing rocks at them in front of cameras.
13:10 - After a few tense minutes and a whole lot of teargas, the Steelers open fire.
12:30 - Aaron Rodgers calls in an air strike.
10:15 - Once the Steelers are able to regroup and get their communications satellite back online, they regroup on their own 40 yard line. Roethlisberger orders a tactical nuke strike. Cut to commercial using racial stereotypes to illustrate a cell phone company's extensive coverage.
8:58 - Packers use microwave satellites to focus beams of energy that cause Steelers players' brains to melt and ooze out of their ears. Cut to commercial featuring bears mauling fast food employees.
7:00 - Clones of the Steelers special teams take the field to return a punt. This tactic, used to minimize potential injuries, is ruled perfectly legal by the referee.
4:23 - Aaron Rodgers rides an elephant onto the field.
2:13 - Steelers score another touchdown by having Hines Ward jump into a black hawk helicopter which then lands in the end zone. Cut to commercial featuring dinosaurs buying auto insurance.
2:06 - Packers defense is equipped with RPGs to prevent another touchdown like that last one.
1:15 - Camera cuts to man wearing cheese on his head for the 5,725th time.
0:47 - Steelers get dirty and break out the mustard gas
Halftime
The Black Eyed Peas fail to appear on stage. Upon further investigation, it is revealed that they have been eaten by Troy Polamalu.
3rd Quarter
15:00 - Greg Jennings takes to the field again, with a new leg grown by the resident mad scientist on the Packers' sports medicine team.
14:30 - Ben Rothlisberger reveals his true form - BEN ROBOTBERGER: A giant angry robot who shoots lasers out of his mouth.
11:15 - Troy Polamalu poops out the Black Eyed Peas. On the field.
10:55 - "My Humps" heard emanating from Troy Palamalu's Black Eyed Peas poop.
9:23 - Packers develop high-density neutrino cannons, and they are not a moment too soon, because at...
9:06 - Steelers release nano-drones onto the field. Cut to commercial featuring John Madden birthing Siamese twins from a Raiderette with tentacles for hands
4:15 - Packers find a way to put the stadium under null gravity. Ender Wiggin reminds the Steelers that the enemy end zone is down.
2:12 - Zombie JFK intercepts a pass intended for Greg Jennings, before Castro blows of his head with a sawed off shotgun. Cut to commercial featuring talking baby birthing John Madden from a diversified stock portfolio
0:15 - Packers get another field goal, which is really easy to do in zero gravity.
4th Quarter
15:00 - Puke from 60,000 spectators feeling the effects of zero gravity is flying all over the stadium.
13:12 - Packers nuke the Steelers while they are in huddle.
12:50 - Ben ROBOTberger may have been destoryed, but Ben Cockroachberger can survive any nuclear holocaust!
10:09 - With puke everywhere, no gravity, and every player bleeding from their eyeballs and from under their fingernails due to radiation poisoning, the game will become a disorganized mess. Cut to commercial featuring a can of Pepsi drinking a pop singer drinking the blood of the first born John Madden
6:66 - Satan comes on the field, steals Mike Tomlin's wallet.
5:12 - After a plague of space leprosy (from the future!) sweeps through the field, cut to commercial featuring talking babies drinking Bud Lite after successfully diversifying stock portfolio by investing in Pepsi, life insurance, and X-Treme Mouth Rape Spicy Doritos.
4:48 - Michael Moore announces that he will be making a documentary about this game, and how it could have been done much better in Europe.
3:18 - To hold off a Steelers drive, Packers re-locate their end zone to a small comet in elliptical orbit around the sun. Cut to commercial break featuring talking babies with erectile dysfunction getting a tip from a caveman John Madden to use Viagra.
2:04 - Commercial featuring talking babies with massive, 4 hour long erections sodomizing talking lobsters making photocopies of pop singer drinking Pepsi-flavored Bud Lite. Strangely enough, this is actually a commercial for godaddy.com, and you need to go there to find out what happens next. (Hint: it involves tentacles... lots of them!)
0:00 The game ends and America goes back to whatever it is America does.
And that is what will happen tomorrow.
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