Between the Demoncrats and the Republican'ts, the Robocrats and the autocrats, the oligarchs and the old farts, the cuisinarts and the fruit tarts, the world wars and the fancy cars, country stars, flying-V guitars and the life on Mars, between the nobodies and the homebodies, the deadheads and the Murphy beds, old maids, plasma grenades, and the Everglades, between Chicago and Shanghai, the Amazon and the River Kwai, the Superdome and the Coliseum in Rome, between the plans we made, the dreams that fade, the destinies we evade and the friends we made, between the A-Team and A Love Supreme, between me, and you, and all the reckless things we do, I just want a slice of the sky so that when you and I are burnt out shells of our former selves, when our adventures become misadventures and we want nothing more than to dance the night away in the corner and split a bucket of clams; I want a slice of the sky where I'm glad I'm not someone else.
Sports Are Important
If the rest of the media were run in any way close to the way that ESPN is, we would all be much more well informed people. In the parallel universe where cable news is as in-depth and entertaining as Sports Center, I could probably name all nine supreme court justices, be able to tell you exactly how much Meg Whitman's campaign has raised, and rattle off the GDP's of most industrialized nations (and of course it would be adjusted for Purchasing Power Parity). And I would care. I would really care about Kosovo and the plight of the Kurds, I would understand why the hell the Western Sahara is not really its own country and why the European Union isn't so hip anymore.
In my house right now, we care the fuck about sports. If the TV is on, your best bet is that it will be playing a football game or Sports Center. Sports Center does everything that cable news tries to do, but can't. There's in depth analysis of issues, debate, dissent, panels of experts that actually look good in suits, and most importantly, the female reporters are hotter. You want to watch Sports Center because it's entertaining, and because you care about sports, because sports are important. Granted, cable news has a huge disadvantage, in that even Cubs fans are way less depressing than another batch of starving refugees.
When we get to the levels of fandom and money that come with professional and collegiate sports, everything becomes business, and sports is only a game as much as the Pacific Theater was a bunch of people sitting in their bathtubs pretending they were ship's captains, wearing sailor hats made out of newspaper. The first experience I had with team sports was first grade tee ball league, where you never get out even if you should be out, and both teams win. And snacks, you always got snacks. Except when my mom forgot it was her turn to be the snack mom, when I got my first experience being that guy.
At some point, Little League became less about having fun and getting bonus points for not picking your nose in the outfield, and more about winning. I couldn't catch a ball, I couldn't hit the ball, and my arm was apparently improperly calibrated at birth, forcing me to assume the mantle of the worst kid on the team. Now, out of all of those kids, I am probably the only one who is an NCAA Division I athlete, which I guess gives hope to all you youngsters who suck at sports now, but only those of you who can run fast. I think that we embrace sports as a culture because it's the only real physical struggle most of us deal with in the industrialized and post-industrial world. Everybody needs to be tested, and since we are no longer taking down mastodon or defending our fields from barbarian hordes, sports serves as the last real physical testing ground. And since most of us can't play sports at a high level, with the bar rising every day, we have to settle for being fans.
I find that I can't really get behind any professional sports team (the sole exception being the A's). I know this makes me a total yurt dwelling communist-hippie, but I have come to the realization that professional sports teams are no different than IBM or Wal Mart, corporations that trick you into becoming loyal in an attempt to make money. And the professional sports industry is highly successful. That's right, it's an industry.
But a bizarre twist of events has got me to care about the NFL. This is because the evil marketing geniuses at ESPN got me hooked into a fantasy football league. And since everyone in my house is participating, we care the fuck about sports even more than we normally would. Two weeks ago, I was barely aware that the Detroit Lions existed. Their offensive line could have consisted entirely of shaved apes and I would be unaware. But now that Jahvid Best is on my fantasy team, I need to care, and I do.
Which leads us to my brilliant idea for making us all informed about global politics. Fantasy Countries! You get points for events in the news regarding world leaders and national institutions that you draft. This will trick us into watching the news, which will trick us into being informed. I'm drafting Sarkozy as my head of state, Wen Jiabao as my head of government, Canadian Parliament as my legislature, the US Constitution as my constitution, China as my military, the CIA as my intelligence agency, Germany for my manufacturing sector, Lichtenstein for my financial sector, my national history from Turkey, and my disenfranchised ethnic minorities from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It will be called Slapistan, and you can join my fantasy league if you want.
Until next time, Earth. And I promise it will be much sooner.
In my house right now, we care the fuck about sports. If the TV is on, your best bet is that it will be playing a football game or Sports Center. Sports Center does everything that cable news tries to do, but can't. There's in depth analysis of issues, debate, dissent, panels of experts that actually look good in suits, and most importantly, the female reporters are hotter. You want to watch Sports Center because it's entertaining, and because you care about sports, because sports are important. Granted, cable news has a huge disadvantage, in that even Cubs fans are way less depressing than another batch of starving refugees.
When we get to the levels of fandom and money that come with professional and collegiate sports, everything becomes business, and sports is only a game as much as the Pacific Theater was a bunch of people sitting in their bathtubs pretending they were ship's captains, wearing sailor hats made out of newspaper. The first experience I had with team sports was first grade tee ball league, where you never get out even if you should be out, and both teams win. And snacks, you always got snacks. Except when my mom forgot it was her turn to be the snack mom, when I got my first experience being that guy.
At some point, Little League became less about having fun and getting bonus points for not picking your nose in the outfield, and more about winning. I couldn't catch a ball, I couldn't hit the ball, and my arm was apparently improperly calibrated at birth, forcing me to assume the mantle of the worst kid on the team. Now, out of all of those kids, I am probably the only one who is an NCAA Division I athlete, which I guess gives hope to all you youngsters who suck at sports now, but only those of you who can run fast. I think that we embrace sports as a culture because it's the only real physical struggle most of us deal with in the industrialized and post-industrial world. Everybody needs to be tested, and since we are no longer taking down mastodon or defending our fields from barbarian hordes, sports serves as the last real physical testing ground. And since most of us can't play sports at a high level, with the bar rising every day, we have to settle for being fans.
I find that I can't really get behind any professional sports team (the sole exception being the A's). I know this makes me a total yurt dwelling communist-hippie, but I have come to the realization that professional sports teams are no different than IBM or Wal Mart, corporations that trick you into becoming loyal in an attempt to make money. And the professional sports industry is highly successful. That's right, it's an industry.
But a bizarre twist of events has got me to care about the NFL. This is because the evil marketing geniuses at ESPN got me hooked into a fantasy football league. And since everyone in my house is participating, we care the fuck about sports even more than we normally would. Two weeks ago, I was barely aware that the Detroit Lions existed. Their offensive line could have consisted entirely of shaved apes and I would be unaware. But now that Jahvid Best is on my fantasy team, I need to care, and I do.
Which leads us to my brilliant idea for making us all informed about global politics. Fantasy Countries! You get points for events in the news regarding world leaders and national institutions that you draft. This will trick us into watching the news, which will trick us into being informed. I'm drafting Sarkozy as my head of state, Wen Jiabao as my head of government, Canadian Parliament as my legislature, the US Constitution as my constitution, China as my military, the CIA as my intelligence agency, Germany for my manufacturing sector, Lichtenstein for my financial sector, my national history from Turkey, and my disenfranchised ethnic minorities from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It will be called Slapistan, and you can join my fantasy league if you want.
Until next time, Earth. And I promise it will be much sooner.
