In my house right now, we care the fuck about sports. If the TV is on, your best bet is that it will be playing a football game or Sports Center. Sports Center does everything that cable news tries to do, but can't. There's in depth analysis of issues, debate, dissent, panels of experts that actually look good in suits, and most importantly, the female reporters are hotter. You want to watch Sports Center because it's entertaining, and because you care about sports, because sports are important. Granted, cable news has a huge disadvantage, in that even Cubs fans are way less depressing than another batch of starving refugees.
When we get to the levels of fandom and money that come with professional and collegiate sports, everything becomes business, and sports is only a game as much as the Pacific Theater was a bunch of people sitting in their bathtubs pretending they were ship's captains, wearing sailor hats made out of newspaper. The first experience I had with team sports was first grade tee ball league, where you never get out even if you should be out, and both teams win. And snacks, you always got snacks. Except when my mom forgot it was her turn to be the snack mom, when I got my first experience being that guy.
At some point, Little League became less about having fun and getting bonus points for not picking your nose in the outfield, and more about winning. I couldn't catch a ball, I couldn't hit the ball, and my arm was apparently improperly calibrated at birth, forcing me to assume the mantle of the worst kid on the team. Now, out of all of those kids, I am probably the only one who is an NCAA Division I athlete, which I guess gives hope to all you youngsters who suck at sports now, but only those of you who can run fast. I think that we embrace sports as a culture because it's the only real physical struggle most of us deal with in the industrialized and post-industrial world. Everybody needs to be tested, and since we are no longer taking down mastodon or defending our fields from barbarian hordes, sports serves as the last real physical testing ground. And since most of us can't play sports at a high level, with the bar rising every day, we have to settle for being fans.
I find that I can't really get behind any professional sports team (the sole exception being the A's). I know this makes me a total yurt dwelling communist-hippie, but I have come to the realization that professional sports teams are no different than IBM or Wal Mart, corporations that trick you into becoming loyal in an attempt to make money. And the professional sports industry is highly successful. That's right, it's an industry.
But a bizarre twist of events has got me to care about the NFL. This is because the evil marketing geniuses at ESPN got me hooked into a fantasy football league. And since everyone in my house is participating, we care the fuck about sports even more than we normally would. Two weeks ago, I was barely aware that the Detroit Lions existed. Their offensive line could have consisted entirely of shaved apes and I would be unaware. But now that Jahvid Best is on my fantasy team, I need to care, and I do.
Which leads us to my brilliant idea for making us all informed about global politics. Fantasy Countries! You get points for events in the news regarding world leaders and national institutions that you draft. This will trick us into watching the news, which will trick us into being informed. I'm drafting Sarkozy as my head of state, Wen Jiabao as my head of government, Canadian Parliament as my legislature, the US Constitution as my constitution, China as my military, the CIA as my intelligence agency, Germany for my manufacturing sector, Lichtenstein for my financial sector, my national history from Turkey, and my disenfranchised ethnic minorities from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It will be called Slapistan, and you can join my fantasy league if you want.
Until next time, Earth. And I promise it will be much sooner.
