Backstory: A plague that causes paralysis has spread across the land. Initially, one of the hardest struck towns contacted a band of adventurers to find the source of this plague. They were accompanied by the town doctor, whose name was Hellarug. They ventured into the mountains, believing it was caused by an evil magician, but the magician was not found. Instead, they stumbled upon a group of perished travelers who had conceived a map of the mountains, which lead to cave. Within this cave, they were forced to fight a giant squid, and through a series of intricate waterways, the group was split up. Many were never found. The remaining adventurers found a small gathering of minotaurs, who had found that the source of the sickness was in the water, and were applying a remedy. The minotaurs led them to a crazed mad scientist named Barnby, who needed more of a special yellow flower in order to create more antidote. At this point, one of the Tiefling adventurers had been entirely struck down by the plague and could not move. The final two of the adventurers ventured into the forest and were attacked by bears. Once again, they were separated.
It took a long time, but several of the adventurers were finally reunited, after their failure, and added more to their group. They returned to the alchemist's house to conjure more antidote and began their journey back to the caves, where they believed the water source was running from. They were never seen again. dun dun dun...
3:14 I have been informed that Carmen Jello the Better will not be joining us on this quest.
3:51 Dungeonmaster: "Ok, here's how the modifiers work, it's really confusing." This is going to be a long evening. Still drafting characters...
3:56 Game manual: "Hafling males have no beards, but often have long, flowing sideburns."
4:29 Dungeonmaster: "Let it be known that the Dungeonmaster has decided that Tieflings are the black people of the Dungeons and Dragons universe."
4:36 Beers have been broken out. We are attractive people and are not in a basement. We are defying all stereotypes of Dungeons and Dragondom.
4:45 I have drafted my character.I AM HIMBRICK THE AMBIGUOUS OF DIRECTRIX ADVENTURE DYNAMICS INCORPORATED (OF WHICH I AM THE PRESIDENT, CEO, CFO, AND SOLE EMPLOYEE). I AM A TIEFLING (WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS) WHO SPEAKS THE COMMON LANGUAGE AND ELVEN. I WAS RAISED BY ELEPHANTS AFTER MY PARENTS WERE KILLED FOR BEING EVIL, AND LED THE ELEPHANTS TO VICTORY IN THEIR WAR AGAINST THE WOOLLY MAMMOTHS. NOW I ROAM THE WORLD SEARCHING FOR TRUTH AND PEOPLE WHO LOOK AS FUNNY AS I DO. I AM 6' 2", 210 POUNDS, 37 YEARS OLD, HAVE BLACK RAMS HORNS AND DARK BLUE HAIR. I AM A ROGUE, WHICH MEANS I HIDE IN THE SHADOWS AND USE STEALTH TO VANQUISH MY OPPONENTS. I LIKE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND SPOONING VIGOROUSLY. CURRENTLY, I HAVE LEATHER ARMOR, DUAL WIELD HAND CROSSBOWS, AND CAN ALSO DUAL-WIELD DAGGERS AND USE SHURIKEN. YOU DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOOD OR EVIL. I CONSTANTLY WRESTLE WITH MY DUAL NATURE, SINCE MY ANCESTORS SOLD THEIR SOULS TO DEMONS IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER, BUT MY ELEPHANT ADOPTIVE PARENTS TAUGHT ME THE GENTLE WAYS OF NATURE.
5:18 Here is my party:
Aukam, the goliath monk. He worships Kord, the purity of battle. Is riding a horse that is half his size.
Driker the Striker! A halfling ranger, at 12 years old, is a prodigy in the arts of Ranging, whatever the hell that is.
Bonaparte, the dragon-born warlord. Likes martinis. Gets bitches all day long. Bitches love dem scales.
Andaris, half-elf half-paladin. Got over his daddy issues to become a battle-loving badass.
Diomedes, human wizard. Was a member of a town and became unhappy with his life after being faced with a large problem. At the time he was known as Hellarug the doctor. He noticed he had magical abilities, and devoted himself to the dark arts in order to gain personal fortune.
5:40 Finally, after creating our characters and figuring out what spells we know, it's time to flip this bitch!
5:41 Forex, an eldrin wizard, has just joined our party. He the half-brother of one of the former adventurers, who is missing and presumed dead.
5:46 Our in-game Wills might be powerful, but our "IRL" wills are not. Time for a beer run.
6:20 Our team has been contacted by the chieften of the Minotaurs. I'm doing this for 75 gold pieces. I don't know if that's good or not in this economy, but I don't know what else there is for work in this universe.
6:23 We're debating the difference between presignation and cantrips. I'm so lost...
6:29 I tried to hit on a minotaur woman in an alehouse and she shut me down. I thought she would find my horns attractive. I guess not.
6:57 I've been hit with two arrows after stepping into a booby trap, one in the right shoulder and one through the left thigh. I lost 20 hit points. Fuck this game.
7:04 The Dungeonmaster will not let me retroactively change my stats to better reflect my backstory. I don't know if I can keep roll playing if this is the case. So confused...
7:09 Another fucking booby trap! Fuck this dungeon. Fuck this game!!!
7:10 Andaris set off another booby trap but dodged it. This is so not fair!
7:19 Dungeonmaster: Two figures enter from the other side of the dungeon. In a language you don't understand, they say "halt."
Me: Then how do we know they said halt?
DM: Because they inflected it the same way you would say halt.
Me: But what if it's a tonal language?
DM: Uhhhh... It's not a tonal language.
7:21 Bonaparte: Can we diplomacy the shit out of them?
7:25 We're discussing the finer aspects of the player/character duality. I never knew we would get so philosophical.
7:37 Two of our party are currently fighting monsters called "oozes." The minotaurs have informed us that they have an affinity towards water. Also I think I'm getting a little drunk at this point. Also, we are once again debating the difference between player knowledge and character knowledge.
8:34 We've been fighting the oozes for a long time. These fuckers be strong.
9:09 Driker the Striker! has just died. That's why you don't bring 12 year olds into battle.
9:22 The DM just suggested I use a saw booby trap to saw off the arrow that has lodged itself in my bicep. #suggestionsfromthedungeonmasteryoushouldn'ttake
9:30 Kip the Minotaur has been hit. He is bleeding... AND OOZING!!! Kip has turned into an ooze. This dungeon is worse than 'Nam!
9:46 I just dodged a boulder with my cat-like reflexes!
9:54 A wave of water just washed us out of this dungeon into the next section of the map. That was convenient...
10:05 People seem to be losing attention. I need to come up with inane things to say...
10:11 d4, d8, d10, d20, and now they're calling a regular die a d6. I'm in another world.
10:29 Andaris: I demand an explanation.
Barnby: Fair enough.
#bondvillain
10:33 "He thinks it will be awesome, but really, it will kill everybody."
10:34 Andaris: I'm sorry Barnby, you sn-ooze, you lo-oooooze!!!
10:59 My character has just apparently lost control of all his actions, because of the way I rolled a 20-sided die. Just like real life...
11:01 Wow, I just fucked my teammate up. If only I could have been that effective fighting the oozes.
10:09 Diomedes has been betrayed by our minotaur allies and is now dead. He would have died honorably, except he spent more time sexting than he did playing the actual fucking game. Now the turns will go faster, I suppose...
11:11 DM: Roll for will.
Me: Wait, who's will?
DM: No, willpower, dumbass.
11:23 I have switched my deity alliance from Ionas to Glob. omGlob...
11:26 We have stopped the plague. The minotaurs turned on us, but we killed them all, so the minotaur chieftan doesn't know about it. We get our 75 gold reward.
11:27 The minotaur chief gives us each an additional 25 gold for our fallen comrades. First DnD quest is a success. Now time to mourn our dead.
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