Cuz I realized that my heroes are the people I already know
And I'm burning up the papers, and tearing up all the magazines
Cuz they make me feel so lonely
When there's no one who represents me."
-H2O, Role Models
As it turns out, my existential sports fan crisis has not been resolved. In fact, it has been deepened by a revelation I had last weekend (and didn't get around to posting until now because this is the internet and you get what you pay for.) I thought I would never have any problems again after arbitrarily deciding to devote my fandom to the Miami Dolphins, Montreal Canadiens, Portland Trailblazers, and, somewhat less arbitrarily, the Oakland A's.
But then reality and emotions, two things that I am trying to eliminate my life because they slow me down, intervened. And it was done by a team in purple, which makes me even more uneasy, because I hate purple, not really the color itself or because I'm homophobic and purple is mildly gay or something like that, I just hate teams with purple as their uniform color. Just thought I would clear the air on that one. I don't like purple uniforms just because. Anyway, a team in purple. That team in purple was the Baltimore Ravens. Because when they lost to the Steelers (whom I hate for non uniform color scheme-related reasons) there was this intense visceral feeling that I had never felt before. It struck a chord inside of me - I really wanted this team to win, and not just because I wanted the Steelers to lose. I don't live anywhere near Baltimore, nor is the city of Baltimore stuck in the 1970s/Cuba, as is Miami. They're a bird team, and I don't take bird teams seriously. I don't watch The Wire, which I feel now needs to be mentioned any time the city of Baltimore is mentioned. Plus I'm pretty sure it was a Ravens game that got nuked in The Sum of All Fears. And they're fucking purple!
But I think that I'm subconsciously a Ravens fan...
So maybe I have to base this whole sports fan thing on feelings rather than facts, kind of like how I learned to do things in elementary school.
Being a fan involves identifying with the team, even though most football fans are not between 22 and 35, pumped up on roids, severely concussed, and ludicrously overpaid. The team represents you because you live near them, or because being a fan gives you a community with which to identify (e.g. Raider Nation).
And I do not have a sports team that represents me. So I'm going with my gut here. Listen Baltimore, you don't like me and I sure as hell don't like you, but we're going to have to work together to solve this existential crisis. So here are the terms of our agreement: I will be slightly happier when you win, and insanely angry when you lose. During games where you play the Dolphins or the Raiders, I will feel conflicted. I will not buy any of your merchandise. And this agreement is over if you end up moving to any city that I deem to be unworthy, or if the NFL launches an expansion team somewhere in the state of New Mexico.
And this is why I hate sports.
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