Super Bull Live Blog

I impulsively decided to live blog the single most popular event in America. Here we go...

3:15 PT: Based on entrance music, I'm pulling for the Pats. I got a mountain of chips and 16 liters of Pepsi. Let's do this!

3:21 - Kelly Clarkson Just dishonored America. The commercials aren't funny, but I'm glad Rpnald McDonald helped a kid survive leukemia.

3:27 - Call it a hunch, but I think the only way the Giants are going to win this is by scoring more points than the Patriots.

3:35 - Dammit you dancing monkeys in pads, ENTERTAIN ME!!!

3:39 - Kanye sells Bud Light and hashtags are mainstream. The world has reached its logival conclusion.

3:51 - When Ahmad Bradshaw wears a breathe rite strip, he looks like a badass. When Galen Rupp wears one, he gets made fun of mercilessly.

3:55 - Bill Bellicheck isn't even in the game, he's just on his phone. Get a Chevy, they will survive the apocalypse.

4:27 - I wonder what NPR is playing right now. Probably something un-American.

4:32 - Niners still have a chance to win it!

4:40 - If, in a year, I have not accomplished as much as Gronkowski, I will be obsolete at 22.

5:02 - I can't do this from a smartphone anymore. So here are my observations at halftime:

1. The GI Joe movie better work in the line "knowing is half the battle." As a corollary, the Battleship movie better have the line "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!" before the hero delivers justice to the villain.
2. I give little to no fuck about the outcome of this game. This is the least entertained I have been by a football game all season. This is oversized mammals tackling oversized mammals for unlimited pussy for the rest of their lives, and it does not entertain me. Why???
3. Madonna has combined forces with LMFAO to ruin my life.
4. This live blog is not turning out as planned. It will likely be archived at the conclusion of the game. I ran 14 miles this morning, I can't be funny right now. I just want to sleep. Go away, go the fuck away all you cherished readers, leave me in my stupor so I can sit in a room with fifteen dudes and one chick and watch mammals tackle mammals.

UPDATE: There are now two girls in the room. I have also eaten enough chips to feed the East African Nation of Djibouti for a year. I am a horrible human being. Add in the guac and you could probably feed Rwanda.